


Revelation

by cogsandsprings



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Dubious Consent, He's okay he's just a little confused about sex is all, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex Repulsion, They also make up so don't worry about that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26803447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cogsandsprings/pseuds/cogsandsprings
Summary: Kanda finds out he's sex repulsed in the most humiliating way possible
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu & Lavi
Kudos: 7





	1. Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> There's a little bit of a blowjob here but not much. Intense (?) description of sex repulsion there too. The aftermath is more embarrassment/confusion than trauma, but if you're uncomfortable that's completely okay!  
> My characterization of Kanda might be a little weird; this is my first fic I ever wrote and I think of Kanda as being livelier internally than people may give him credit for. (Criticism welcomed lol)  
> I hope you enjoy, especially my fellow aces! <3

Kanda looks up just in time to see the sprout pull himself up from the ground after destroying the level 2. His exorcist coat is torn in half at the waist, (Kanda’s is not ripped at all because he’s not an idiot), exposing the bean’s surprisingly round ass showcased by his slacks as he stretches his arms above his head. 

To Kanda’s utter horror, his dick twitches in his pants at the sight. 

What the fuck, he thinks. Whatever. This is normal. It may be the idiot bean sprout but this is just hormones or something. If I ignore it it’ll go away. 

It absolutely does not go away, and as they get closer to the train station, Kanda gets more frustrated as he has more opportunities to think inappropriate thoughts about the bean sprout, for example, what he would look like between his legs looking up at him through snow white eyelashes – 

Kanda sighs loudly for the third time in five minutes. 

“Okay, really, what is your problem?” Allen looks annoyed but he usually looks at Kanda like that so the swordsman just snorts and looks out the window trying to appear more “as if I would dignify that garbage with a response” and less “I’m freaking out because maybe I think you’re hot.” 

Apparently it works to some extent because Allen slaps his hands on his (thick acrobat) thighs, sighs, and stands up. “You know what, fine. I’m going to the bathroom; be ready to talk when I get back.” And with that he slides out of the compartment and into the hall where the finder is on guard. 

As soon as the door closes Kanda has a horrible thought. He could totally rub one out really quick while the sprout is gone, which would undoubtedly put him in a better mood for the remainder of the train ride and give him the energy to come up with a decent deflection for the bean’s “talk.” On the other hand, Kanda is notoriously bad at not getting caught while masturbating, and with the train full of people, the finder right outside, and Allen coming back in a few minutes Kanda isn’t sure he could do it. He thinks about Allen massaging his hips with Kanda’s dick in his mouth and feels himself throb in his pants. He has to do it at least a little bit; even if he doesn’t cum it’ll take some of the edge off, right? 

Kanda slides his coat off as quickly as possible with all those buttons (maybe he’ll request a zipper next time) and leaves it draped on his lap as a safety precaution. His cock is pressed hot and heavy against his thigh and he feels a jolt of heat run through him as he rubs it over his pants. Yeah, he thinks, he could just do this until the bean gets back and then make something up about how he got too warm to explain the coat. 

He grinds into his cock a little harder, suppressing a groan as he imagines Allen jacking him off with that rough, cursed hand. He’s panting a bit now, but he’s fairly sure he hasn’t gotten red in the face yet so he keeps going. 

Imaginary Allen sucks on the head of Kanda’s cock and strokes the rest with his left hand. Kanda forgets to hold back a soft moan, but no one comes in so he doesn’t worry about it, especially when imaginary Allen bobs his head lower on Kanda’s dick and finally, finally, looks up at him through snowy lashes with those innocent eyes, shit – 

Real Allen chooses this unfortunate moment to barge back into the train compartment, letting the sounds of people chatting and the clack of the train flood the small space. Kanda finds himself unable to move, definitely red faced at that point, as the bean sprout closes the door and turns around seemingly in slow motion to take in the sight of Kanda frozen in mortification with his coat crumpled suspiciously in his lap and his hand still underneath it. 

Allen’s eyes widen and his mouth makes a little “o” before it widens into a mischievous smirk. Oh hell no, that little bastard. 

“So, ready to talk, Bakanda?” Allen grins as he sits down across from Kanda, leisurely resting his feet on Kanda’s knees. 

Kanda blushes harder and blurts out, “None of your business!” while whipping his head towards the window so fast he hits himself in the face with his ponytail. However, upon realizing that his response made absolutely no fucking sense he made the horrible mistake of looking back at the bean sprout, only to find the younger teen snickering into his left hand. But that made Kanda remember his awful sexual fantasies, so he turned his head back to the window. 

“Well that was interesting. Don’t hurt yourself though, whipping your head around like that.” The bean is still smiling, but it looks less scheming and more…fond? 

“Tch, it would heal anyway it can’t he helped.” Kanda looked at the sprout again, only to find himself pinned by a molten silver gaze and before he could break himself away from it Allen had slid Kanda’s coat off his lap with his boot and spread Kanda’s thighs to expose the tent in his pants. 

“Hmm maybe this can be helped though,” Allen murmured, hungrily eyeing the outline of Kanda’s cock through his pants. 

Kanda watched dazedly as the sprout slid off the seat and landed neatly in between his legs. Holy shit, this was happening. Did he even want this to happen? After all, fantasy is much different than reality. Kanda moaned quietly when the bean pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss to his straining erection, mind racing. 

Allen smiled and expertly unfastened Kanda’s belt while Kanda pushed himself to consider the situation before it was too late. Yeah admittedly the bean was pretty cute, but Kanda was becoming surer by the second that he liked the idea of sex better than the actual thing. Allen was now stroking Kanda’s bare cock with his right hand and laving his tongue over the tip. Kanda threw his head back with a groan; it felt good but he was way more uncomfortable than he had expected with someone being this intimate with his junk. Maybe he was just nervous, after all this would be his first blowjob and real acts of sex are far different than masturbating. 

He slid a hand into Allen’s hair and clenched a chunk of it in his fist, not sure if he was trying to get the bean to stop or give him more. What ended up settling the matter was when Allen finally, finally, looked up at Kanda through those pale lashes just how he’d been imagining earlier and instead of that jolt of heat, Kanda felt as if he had been doused with ice water. 

He pulled Allen off of him and fumbled to refasten his belt with shaking hands. He suddenly felt ill and wanted to try and make a break for the bathroom before he threw up. It was stupid; the whole situation was ridiculous. He shouldn’t feel on the verge of panic because of sex! 

Allen looked surprised and worried, looked as if he was about to say something, but fortunately the train shuddered to a halt right as Allen opened his mouth. Their finder popped in to let them know it was their stop right after Kanda had slid his coat back on and he replaced his stoic mask along with it. “Let’s go, moron.” Kanda droned, hoping the bean would let it drop but knowing the chances were slim.


	2. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda gains some clarity from an unlikely source...

It had been a few weeks since the Incident and Kanda had resolutely avoided being alone with the bean sprout the entire time. Kanda had instead gotten more and more frustrated with himself and taken it out on the trees in the forest, as usual. Panting heavily, Kanda let Mugen slip through his fingers and land in the grass with a dull thud. It wasn’t how he would usually treat his sword, but this was anything but a normal situation. Training wasn’t helping, meditation wasn’t helping, and he would honestly rather die than discuss his feelings with other people, so he was likely going to have to do some introspection. 

He slumped down against a tree near Mugen and rested his face in his knees. He figured it was all right to be in such a vulnerable pose since no one would come out here as long as they thought he was rampaging. Well, no one with two brain cells that touched, anyway. 

Sighing noisily, Kanda rested his head against the bark behind him and scowled at the quiet forest. The situation was utterly ridiculous. He wasn’t attracted to the sprout, okay? Apparently he was at a “hormonally unstable age” or whatever the fuck. But Kanda knew that wasn’t the whole truth. Sure it explained why he was fantasizing in the first place; he couldn’t exactly think of Lenalee since she was practically his sister, the mere thought of even hypothetically engaging with the usagi in sexual acts made him gag, and everyone else was pretty much a hard no, so the beansprout was his only option. He would be lying, though, if he didn’t admit that he had grown … _fond _… of the sprout over the years. He was a good fighter, if a little too self-sacrificing, his personality may not have been entirely garbage fake-nice bullshit, and he was admittedly kind of roguishly charming.__

___This was fucking ridiculous._ _ _

___Okay so maybe he was a little bit attracted to the sprout, _a little bit _. But, Christ, it wasn’t like he could legitimately pursue anything. Focusing solely on the absolute flaming shitshow that occurred on the train that is; not even taking into account the Vatican’s stance on that shit. The sprout would never go for a – god - a _relationship _with him, especially not after that. He probably thought Kanda was some repressed asshole or a shy virgin or whatever. And granted, he was definitely a repressed asshole, he had never done anything sexual so he would technically qualify as a virgin, and his severe lack of socialization had rendered him completely fucking weird in a way that might be construed as shy by, like, maybe Tiedoll or something, though he still felt like his odd aversion to actual sex was unrelated to his stunning personality or null sexual experience._____ _ _

___What if he just…didn’t like sex? It would be weird as hell, but what about his life wasn’t weird as hell, honestly? If it was possible to be attracted to the same sex, the opposite sex, or the same and opposite sex, then surely it would be possible to not feel attracted to anyone at all? But then again, was he really _attracted _-attracted to the sprout in the first place?___ _ _

___Kanda sighed noisily again and slammed his head back into the tree he was leaning against. _This is ridiculous _, he thought for what felt like the millionth time. _What does it even mean to be attracted to someone anyway?____ _ _

___Grunting in annoyance, Kanda heaved himself up, grabbing Mugen off the ground as he went. He froze, however, when he saw a flash of something out of the corner of his eye. God damnit if that’s him, I swear…_ _ _

___“Get out here.” Kanda bit out. How dare that sprout spy on him!_ _ _

___“…hey, Yuu.” The fucking usagi slid out from behind a tree, displaying unusual common sense by only coming out partway._ _ _

___Kanda blinked, taking a moment to process the situation. What the everloving fuck was the usagi doing out here? _Not enough brain cells touching…__ _ _

___“I bet you’re wondering what I’m doing here, huh?” The usagi grinned weakly, uncharacteristically cautious. Almost like he knew Kanda was upset and was actively trying not to antagonize him._ _ _

___“…what?” Kanda was really knocking it out of the park in the saying-things-that-make-sense-instead-of-responding-to-his-own-thoughts department. He gripped his sword tighter and amended,_ _ _

___“Spit it out then; what is it?”_ _ _

___“Well, you know. You’ve been kinda pissy lately. Well, pissier than usual anyway. NOT that that’s odd or unusual, you’re usually pissy but it’s just a facet of your personality and no one is judging you for that AT ALL-“_ _ _

___A vein in Kanda’s head throbbed and he shifted his hold on Mugen “Jesus Christ will you just-“_ _ _

___“ALLEN IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!” The usagi ducked behind a tree, anticipating a blow up._ _ _

___Kanda narrowed his eyes as he processed that statement, then uttered his trademark “tch” and turned away. “Well tell him it’s none of his fucking business and he can shut up and leave me alone.”_ _ _

___The usagi edged out from behind the tree with a sigh. “Yeah, I thought you might say that. That’s why he also said to apologize to you for…whatever happened on your last mission. He said you’d know what he’s talking about?”_ _ _

___“And THAT is none of YOUR fucking business and YOU can shut up and leave me alone.”_ _ _

___“Look I don’t know what happened, and you don’t have to tell me, but I can tell it’s bothering you more than you’re letting on. I mean, you haven’t even tried to kill me once this whole conversation!”_ _ _

___“Yet.” Kanda tries to bite it out but he knows it falls flat. He also knows what the usagi is trying to tell him to do and he doesn’t like it. He goddamn knows he needs to confront his problems, but he would rather leave them alone until he dies._ _ _

___Kanda weighs his options; tell the usagi about the most mortifying situation of his entire life and be mocked mercilessly for being a freak, or live the rest of his life with the sprout throwing pitying glances his way and smothering him with apologies._ _ _

___That makes him consider something else though. The usagi is a bookman’s apprentice, so if anyone has the weird ass answers to his weird ass sexual questions and be willing to tell Kanda, it would be him. He throws what is hopefully a withering glance at the usagi, who cringes a little, making Kanda feel a little better; he hasn’t completely lost his touch._ _ _

___“The bean tried to suck my dick on the train,” Kanda deadpans. Let the rabbit make of that what he will._ _ _

___Lavi’s eyebrows shoot up towards his hairline. “Ya know, Yuu-“_ _ _

___“Don’t call me that.”_ _ _

___“Ya know, _Yuu _, out of all the things you could have said to me, I never would have seen that coming. So what’s the big deal, you don’t like him like that? I’ve seen a little tension here and there.”___ _ _

___Kanda sighs, his stomach already twisting in on itself. Now or never. “I’d thought about it, but when it actually happened I just wanted to throw up.” He looks away, not daring to see the usagi’s reaction._ _ _

___The forest falls silent around them, the usagi uncharacteristically quiet. Looking through bookman memories for any freakish mention of something similar, or judging him? Kanda dares a peek and he looks…thoughtful?_ _ _

___Finally the usagi shrugs. “Eh. You could be asexual or something. It’s not very common but it’s possible.”_ _ _

___Asexual. Kanda considered the word. That would just be without sexuality right? He’d have to think about it a bit more._ _ _

___“Hmm.” Kanda grunted, turning around abruptly and walking back to the tower._ _ _

___“You’re welcome, Yuu!” The usagi called after him, not unkindly. In lieu of overtly acknowledging the help, Kanda chose not to yell at Lavi for using his first name._ _ _


	3. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final installment! The boys make up <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is intended to be Kanda and Allen as friends, but there may be like pre-Yullen if you squint.

Kanda lets the word roll around in his head over the next week, speaks it softly when he’s alone. Once he even says quietly to himself “I am asexual.” It’s a little terrifying how calm it makes him feel. 

He notices more how he behaves with people, lets the word color his interactions. He understands now why he’s so uncomfortable with the female finders and scientists flirting with him (besides their usual and complete disregard for personal space and visual cues of discomfort). He hates feeling their hands on him, but now he can say it’s okay. He’s not just a freak, or antisocial, or abrasive, he’s _asexual _. It sounds normal. It makes him feel normal. Well, more normal, anyway.__

__He thinks about his friends too. He doesn’t think he’ll tell anyone yet, or ever (yet). It’s not that they’ll react poorly; in fact, they’d probably be happy for him or whatever. But he wants it to be something for just him for a while. (And the usagi by unfortunate circumstance, but he’s pretty sure the rabbit wouldn’t stoop that low in the name of mockery.)_ _

__In hindsight he really is lucky that he hadn’t run into the beansprout sooner, but he’s still shocked when they lock eyes in a crowded hallway. Kanda turns around as nonchalantly as possible so as not to cause a scene, but he catches the bean politely but firmly shouldering his way through the crowd in an effort to catch up to him. His mood sours instantly; he’s not in the mood to deal with this right now, and he most definitely doesn’t want to have this conversation here, now, or ever, ideally. He starts shoving a bit himself, finders and scientists alike letting out indignant gasps and grumbles. He can feel the bean getting closer and starts shoving faster, at the very least aiming to get somewhere private for this so he isn’t utterly humiliated in public._ _

__Kanda can see his bedroom door ahead, and he thinks if the bean really feels bad about the situation he would at least not try to catch him with his innocence arm/tendrils/whatever they are. He wrenches his door open and tries to slam it, but it catches on the bean’s foot, as he expected._ _

__Nobody moves for a long, quiet moment, as Kanda and Allen both wait for the other to crack first. Kanda knows the bean will crack first._ _

__Allen gives him a wary look, like Kanda’s a wild animal, or like he can’t believe Kanda isn’t trying to crush his foot in the door until he has to be dragged away. Kanda is inclined to agree, and raises an eyebrow as if to say _well, spit it out _.___ _

___Allen rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry. About what happened. I don’t know what the problem was but if it was something I did, I’m sorry. I know we fight a lot but I don’t want to have serious hard feelings between us, so if I really upset you…I wanted you to know that wasn’t my intention and I want to make it up to you.”_ _ _

___That was surprisingly touching, Kanda thinks. But then again, he knows the bean isn’t actually a bad person, and in fact the bean is a pretty good person. He lets his grip relax on the door a bit, fortified by the fact that the bean doesn’t try to push into his room, or invade his space or anything._ _ _

___“W-well.” Kanda stutters out. Allen’s eyebrows twitch towards his hairline, obviously trying not to show visible surprise at the uncertainty. _“Well,” _Kanda says more firmly, for posterity. “Thanks,” he finishes a little lamely. He had kind of expected an apology of some similarity to this, but he’s not sure if he’s supposed to explain himself or what else he’s supposed to say in return. “Um. I appreciate it. We’re good.”___ _ _

___“You’re really okay, though? I didn’t hurt you?” The bean looks mostly placated, but still concerned._ _ _

___“Yeah I’m okay. I…talked to the usagi…and he...actually helped me?” Kanda thinks it’s even more ridiculous saying it out loud than it was actually living through the experience._ _ _

___The bean cocks his head; it’s a little cute. “Wow what did he say? I can’t imagine him doing anything other than antagonizing you,” he says with a smirk._ _ _

___“Neither could I, but I guess he knows how to take at least some things seriously.” Kanda rolls his eyes. They’re approaching some semblance of normal so he hopes the bean will let him be soon. Not that this interaction had been entirely unpleasant. But it hadn’t been entirely pleasant either. Either way, he would like it to be over soon._ _ _

___Allen seems to pick up on this and wisely says, “Well I’m glad I didn’t irreparably damage our friendship-“_ _ _

___“What friendship?”_ _ _

___“But I think I should be going now. Wanna train tomorrow?”_ _ _

___“Tch. It’s almost like you still think you can beat me.” Kanda smirks. Normal. Good._ _ _

___“I’ll do it this time! See ya later Bakanda!” With that, the bean twirls around and swaggers away from Kanda’s door, steps lighter than they had been as of late, whistling a chipper tune that only grated on Kanda’s nerves a little bit._ _ _

___Kanda still wasn’t sure what he felt about the bean; liking the idea of him better than the real thing, being friends, being rivals, or whatever. He would (only a little grudgingly) admit that he liked spending time with the beansprout, and as he closed his door he thought that that was probably good enough for now._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my very first complete fic! I have another one in progress I haven't posted yet (not this same universe), but I probably won't post that one until it's done and it is a LONG way from being done :(   
> I hope y'all enjoyed this fic as it is very dear to me <3


End file.
